


Against the rest of the world

by chiridotalaevis



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2011 Era (Phandom), Anxiety, Comfort, Established Relationship, Introspection, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 19:47:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21534175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chiridotalaevis/pseuds/chiridotalaevis
Summary: Phil loves Dan. That much he knows. It’s simple and all consuming and easy. There is nothing easier than loving Dan. Making Dan happy is the reason Phil gets up in the morning. But he knows that Dan isn’t happy. And that just tears Phil’s soul to shreds.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 29
Kudos: 125





	Against the rest of the world

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Secretlizard](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Secretlizard/gifts).



> Dedicated to secretlizard for tirelessly reminding me that it will get better.
> 
> Thank you so much to ahappydnp for betaing.

It’s hours after midnight and Phil is lying in his bed wide awake.

No matter how much he craves sleep, his mind just won’t stop whirring in a constant cycle of thoughts. What if this doesn’t work out? What if the contract he just signed for a sponsorship fails? What if the video that’s going up tomorrow will just not get enough views? Will he have to go to his parents like a puppy with his tail between his legs, asking for money to cover the rent again? He can vividly imagine their faces. They are kind, and his mother is smiling, telling him that of course she’ll help, but there is a disappointment somewhere deep in her gaze. She doesn’t want to show it, but Phil can always see it, and that somehow seems like the scariest thing of all.

But most of his thoughts revolve around the boy sleeping next to him. The only reason Dan is asleep is that he cried himself to sleep tonight. Again.

Part of Phil wants to feel relieved, because if Dan is crying, at least he’s doing something. At least he cares. It’s an ugly part of Phil, one he hopes Dan never sees, but it’s that part that just desperately wants Dan to be there. Be present. Have feelings that Phil can actually understand and try to help with. 

Because the night before Dan didn’t sleep at all. And he didn’t cry. He just sat on the sofa, scrolling through his twitter feed with empty eyes, and that haunted empty gaze scared Phil more than hours and hours of weeping.

Phil loves Dan. That much he knows. It’s simple and all consuming and easy. There is nothing easier than loving Dan. Making Dan happy is the reason Phil gets up in the morning. But he knows that Dan isn’t happy. And that just tears Phil’s soul to shreds.

No matter how hard Phil tries, no matter how much he tries to pretend that he knows that it’ll all be alright, no matter how much he tells Dan that he’s wonderful and that Phil will love him till his last breath, Dan isn’t happy. And no matter how much websites about helping your loved ones he reads, no matter how many hushed conversations he has with his mum, he still can’t help but feel guilty that his love isn’t enough to make Dan stop being unhappy.

Phil will do his best to not show Dan, but he’s scared. Terrified. Dan might not want to think about it, but Phil knows that the deadline for Dan to retake his exams is coming up and Dan is not studying. Phil is scared that Dan’s whole life plan is about to fall apart and he won’t be enough to keep them both afloat. Phil worries that his career on youtube is going to come crashing down, and it’ll tear him and Dan apart. He’s also worried about Dan becoming a lawyer and not wanting to be with Phil anymore. He’s scared Dan will have to go back to his parents because they can’t afford to have a place together anymore. He’s scared that Dan sees his fear and that is making him unhappy. But most of all, he’s scared that Dan will never be happy again, and that Phil will never get a chance to see his face light up with emotion, to hear his true, genuine laughter, and that it will be Phil’s fault.

In his sleep Dan looks ridiculously young. He looks too skinny and his face looks all puffy from the tears. He’s curled up into a ball under the covers, hiding himself in a way that tells Phil that Dan doesn’t want to be touched. And oh how Phil wants to touch him, to hug him and pull him close and just never let him be sad again.

So as a compromise, Phil is lying next to him, above the covers, and watches Dan breathe. His knee is gently pressed against Dan’s legs cocooned in a blanket, light enough of a touch that Dan doesn’t feel it, but it’s something, something to keep Phil tethered, to feel close. What would he give to be intertwined with Dan right now, to hide his face in his neck and just feel safe. It’s selfish and weak, but in this late hour, lying awake, Phil feels more alone than he’s felt in years.

Next to him Dan takes a deep breath and mumbles something. His eyelashes flicker and with a small sigh he opens up his eyes a little bit.

“Phil?” Dan asks with a raspy sleepy voice.

“Sleep, Dan,” Phil whispers. He can’t help himself. He brushes the hair off of Dan’s face with a soft movement and lingers on his cheek a little bit, “Go back to sleep, it’s still night”.

“I had a dream,” Dan mumbles. His eyes are still half closed and his voice is croaky from the sleep and the crying, but also soft and childlike. Phil’s heart almost explodes with affection when Dan shifts in bed to curl into Phil, pressing his forehead against Phil’s sternum and breathes in.

“Mmm?” Something in Phil’s chest unclenches, and he winds his arms around Dan’s shoulder and pulls him close.

“We were in Japan. Me and you. Like, together.” He breathes in sleepily and presses his body even closer to Phil. “There were deer I think. You were feeding them.”

“I was?” Phil asked smiling. “That sounds lovely.”

“Mmhm. ‘S was good,” Dan’s eyes are closed again and his breath was getting more even, “We were happy.” Dan’s voice is quiet and he’s obviously asleep again, but he’s smiling in his sleep, and Phil wants to weep himself. From longing, from relief, from just exhaustion, he doesn’t know. He carefully wraps his body around Dan and buries his nose in his boyfriend’s hair. It’s a little greasy, but it smells like Dan and he can feel Dan’s warmth radiates from his body.

“Sleep,” Phil breathes out again, lightly kissing Dan’s head.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please tell me what you think!
> 
> Come talk to me on [Tumblr](https://quercussp.tumblr.com/) or click [here](https://quercussp.tumblr.com/post/189249299242/against-the-rest-of-the-world) to reblog.


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